Heart broken, Goal crushed, Dreams on hold?

Have you been so convinced of something and then it doesn’t work out?
Or had a goal to achieve but it completely flopped?
Confused when your time will come?
Your soul has been crushed, confidence knocked, hope gone.

That’s how I’ve been feeling lately. I’ve been trying to move forward in my life but it seems like I keep getting stuck and the more rejections I get from employers the more I feel battered down. I was convinced that it wouldn’t be too difficult. But then reality hit and the difficulties seemed to increase. Making me feel more disempowered like I was lost at sea, not knowing what direction to head to next.

Maybe I’m not patient enough,well I know I’m not patience enough. When I want things I want it now and I become quite obsessed and fixated putting my life on pause until the goal is reached. Which doesn’t help, as we never know what the future holds. That’s the problem, I don’t know what the future hold? I hate suspense, I can’t even watch a film at the climax, I just get nervous and I would rather pause and calm myself now and resume later ( it’s lame i know). Part of life is accepting it’s ups and downs and as a Muslim believing in Qadr (destiny). But it’s not easy as it’s so easy to say I submit to Allah’s will but when it comes down to it. How many of us actually submit wholeheartedly. It’s easy to submit when the time are good, but when times are bad it tests the best of us and our iman takes the first hit.

I soon notice that my motivation and enthusiasm for salah diminishes and I start to see life in very unhealthy black and white terms. Either everything is the way I want and I’m happy or I don’t get what I want therefore I can’t be happy. Simple, full stop. exclamation mark!
I know it irrational to think that way but sometimes in the depths of despair that all I can see. We believe that happiness lies in this thing, this place, this person so if this is true why can’t I get it, surely I know what is right for me?

But as believers we know this not to be true, Allah says ‘ do you think you will say you believe and you will not be tested?’. I believe there is also a hadith that says Allah tests those he loves the most. I realised that although I think that I have submitted my will to Allah there is still a natural ego, the bad naf (soul) that thinks it’s knows better than god, ‘why couldn’t you just give me this one thing god why? It’s difficult to under qadr when we can’t see the future and are just using our own insight. However Allah sees what we can’t see, maybe that path that I was so convinced by has a even danger that I’m not conscious of. I believe that true faith is understanding the great wisdom and humbling ourselves to our own limited knowledge of the world. Internal conversations saying ‘I think I know but I really don’t know God knows’.

The prophet (saw) says that the real jihad is the jihad of the naf. No joke it really is 🙂

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